one after the other, a continuous string..i never seem to be able to stop. i try my best, but somehow i've been programmed to continue this self destructive circle. take one, enjoy it for a while.. then start looking over my shoulder looking for a better 'version' of it, thinking of ways to get rid of the old..thinking that the next one will be different, that somehow things will be better with the new one..but guess what, it never is. things turn out to be the same..like a badly rehearsed play with low grade actors.
you try to change. it works for a while, you manage to savour the moment, to treasure that experience but that gnawing feeling in your stomach just keeps building..telling you that you can do better, that its not a perfect fit, that if you found the one, things would be all peachy all the time.
maybe its all the novels and movies that have brainwashed me into expecting that perfectly happy ending. how somehow everything will fall into place with the next one that keeps me going. keeps me going..
drowning me in an abyss of doubt and regret. slowly sapping my confidence that one day i will be mature and good enough for it and determination in finding that perfect thing.
maybe its the anticipation of finding it that feeds this godforsaken addiction of mine. or maybe its greed, or it could be just the plain old weak mindedness that makes me unable to just stop for a moment... and enjoy the ride.
it never was supposed to be an addiction. i was never supposed to be like this. but i guess we all have our vices. and this addiction could very well be my achilles heel. the one that eventually kills me.
why the hell can't i kick this disgusting habit? because i lack determination. i lack the ability to open up and enjoy the ride. i do not have the guts to do it. cause if i do.. i may just die.
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