i want to break something.

i want food. food. not rabbit food my mum is feeding me. who the hell eats fruits for dinner. geez. i want food. but there is nothing at home. except ginger. and fruits.

one slice of bread. with no butter??!!?!!!? I WANT BUTTER!

reason why

I wish that you live as long as you wish,

and have all your wishes as long as you live.

-Daddy, 20 June 2010

great line :)

now, a song from the oc.

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio
And I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show
And do your best to cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why

I can't do the walk
I can't do the talk
I can't be your friend
Unless I pretend

So give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it
So give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it

Cos you got my heart in a headlock
You stopped the blood, made my head soft
And god knows
You've got me sewn

etc

a prayer whispered into the night..

wow, i feel like i can finally breathe. it's been a long long time since i've been so relaxed. it's good unwinding. didn't realise how much i've been holding my breath, stressing out and just generally not been able to have a relaxing afternoon doing nothing and talking to anyone.

don't get me wrong, i'm not anti-social. i just relish the silence. inside my head and outside my head. sometimes you just need to let yourself just enjoy your own company.

cause if you can't even stand yourself, then you really have a problem. to love someone, first, you have to love yourself.

i can't deny that it's partly my fault that i've been so tightly wound these few months, basically this whole semester. the question 'why' begs to be answered.

well, i didn't do as well as i aimed for last semester, in fact i did abysmally. it was not a pretty sight. sometimes i wake up at night, heart thudding in my chest and feel like i'm suffocating. the dreams, oh wait, the nightmares just keep coming.

oh my lord, i'm coming off as a crazy psychotic obsessive person.

i just hate it when i know i could have done so much better, but i chose not to. it's one thing to be stupid and study your ass off and fail, and one thing to just not bother trying at all. i swear, the latter is the one that will plague your dreams, your thoughts and your life.

which is why, i've been going crazy obsessing over whether i will do better this semester. and it's not an easy thing. separating emotional crap from the studies. well, at least i'm getting better at shoving things at the back of my head when i got to sit down and study. hopefully, hopefully, hopefully it will pay off. i won't know till 9 july. so i will be praying all the way to that date.

hmm praying. i'm not saying that just simply whispering a prayer to the Lord will get you the things you want, for if you believe in luck, that it will give you all the great things in life that you want. i'm just saying, it's faith. to some extent, it's positive thinking. and the research has suggested consistently that positive thinking is powerful.

i do believe in a higher power, maybe not that there's only ONE god, but there is some higher being. karma? jesus? allah? buddha? whatever that gets you through the day, whatever that makes you not do bad things even when no one is looking...

we all need something to believe in.

but hell, hard work should pay off right?

but then again, hard work without strategy is wasted. so i guess come 9 July, i will know whether or not i have been applying myself to my full potential and in the right direction.

Dear Lord,

Sometimes i feel a little strange,

praying to you because of an exam.

it seems so trivial in the grand scope of things;

right now, the test looms in front of me.

to You, i pray for these four things

the wisdom that you have bestowed on me, and that i have gained from my teachers,

the strength and persistence to answer the questions before me to the best of my ability,

the grace to accept any disappointment due to my own failings,

and humility to bear the joy resulting from the fruits of my labour and Your blessing.

Now, i write this exam with Thee, O Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen.

of perceptual limitations

“To begin with, our perception of the world is deformed, incomplete. Then our memory is selective. Finally, writing transforms.”

you know when your parents sent you to study skills seminars to allow you to study 'somuchbetter'? well, i think it's wrong! you know why? there's where i actively started speed reading. years later, voila! i do it subconsciously. and it is NOT GOOD. especially when you do subjects like law, accounting etc where they hide teeny tiny bits of IMPORTANT information in boring-ass sentences. and i always tend to skip over it.. thinking that it's unnecessary and a waste of time. oh jesus christ. i want to break that habit.

okay, so far, i have just scratched the surface of equality, and barely scratched perception. i shall continue during my winter break.

right now, it's nose to the grindstone!

Out across the endless sea

I would die in ecstasy

But I'll be a bag of bones

Driving down the road along

Veritas vos liberabit

you think, that i don't even mean a single word i say,

it's only words

and words are all i have to take your heart away...