once again, it's time to leave Malaysia and head back to Melbourne for another semester. somehow, it's harder to leave this time than the other times i've packed my bags and left without a second glance back.so the question is, what changed?

nostalgia.

i guess i could say that it's finally hit me that i'm growing up, and all my friends are too. how did this hit me? well, i had this conversation today about priorities in life. and i said, without thinking much that, priorities change as we grow up. and wow, that thought blew me away! no longer are we the young and confused wesleyans, we're now (almost all anyway) adults. we can't call ourselves teenagers anymore. all too soon, it's the real world for us. with no trial runs (like spm trial exams).. and if we screw up, there will be no one to guide us and cushion the blow.

have to start depending on the knowledge and experience that we have and make decisions. not based on whims and fancies, but with conviction for a better and brighter future. parental influence? well, it's going to diminish from now. gone are the days where we can be grounded, spanked and scolded into blind obedience. now, parents are relegated to an advisory role. okay maybe not right now, but very soon.

and knowing my parents, they'll want me to err and learn from my mistakes. which totally scares the crap out of me.

i'm the kind of person that reads a book..when i come to the climax, i flip to the last chapter and read the ending. then i'll continue reading, secure in the knowledge that i know what's going to happen. what's up with that? i have no idea. maybe i'm just not the kind of person that takes uncertainty well, or maybe i'm just a tad bit paranoid that the ending will take me by complete surprise and leave me standing with my mouth agape. whatever it is, (it's not therapy time) as the learned adults would intone: "the world is your oyster".

damn, if only i could flip to the end of the book titled Wen's life and read the ending. i hate making decisions, because you never know till it's too late that you made the wrong one, or that one decision changed your entire course of life; from one full of promise to one that is dark and dingy.

so goodbye malaysia, may you be just as you are when i come back. but with some minor tweaks-safer, less crime (i've become too paranoid to go out late at night), less humid, less hot, more motivated, less rude.. am i asking too much, my malaysia?

and to brian lim sheng ming, see you in melbourne. hopefully this september! maybe you should look up where maldives is. HAHA. :D idjet!

this could break your heart

of death, lust, sacrifice and controversy

this book. 939 pages long.

i've read many books about elizabeth, and mary, both daughters of this king. and they always seem to depict him in glowing terms. their mothers too were described as martyrs. somehow, in this book, everything is different.

which of course, leads to the quite appropriate quote of churchill, "history is written by the victors". basically, history is interpreted by men, subject to personal pettiness and bias.

quite depressing really.

i would have loved to have lived through the times of ramses, hatshepsut, cleopatra, caesar, augustus, arthur (if he did live), henry viii, mary, elizabeth... and of course, the glorious tang dynasty!!!

all these historical books have but one common trait-many many executions.

death.

i hate it.

somewhere, over the rainbow, under the toadstool lived a girl named Rose. She was merely a child of eight summers; she was alone in the world, save for her loyal playmate, Ivan. He had been her playmate for as long as she could remember, her earliest memories were of him. The fondest one was of course, The Day When Everything Was Black. He was the only one that made her smile on that faithful gloomy day. He always seemed to know how to make her joyful again. Being a girl, even a girl of such tender age, she had emotions that were so complex that she did not even understand them herself. But, Ivan did. He was her Everything.

Everyday she would wake up, and the first sound to escape her plump lips were "Ivan!". That very utterance always brought a smile to her lips, instantly brightening up even the darkest days of winter.

She would rise and hastily wash up, impatient to start the day's adventures with Ivan. This led to her rather dishevelled appearance, but who could blame her? She was but 8 years of age, with no one to school her in the importance of appearances; the only one she could depend on Ivan. And surely Ivan did not care about how she looked! Well, if he did, he never said anything.

So Ivan and her would have breakfast under the sun, with the birds chirping on the boughs above her and the sunlight bathing them. Their conversation was light, consisting of satisfied grunts over breakfast and the distinct chatter of Rose. Rose never seemed to stop talking. She was always talking. Ivan had a hard time making any noise. Ivan being a gentleman, never really minded, as he was in love with Rose.. Anything she did made me joyously happy deep inside his chest. Sometimes, he'd feel his chest making a thudding sound. He always wondered what that was. He figured it was tiny Rose, and it only seemed to make sounds when he could almost reach out and touch her. The feeling discomfited him. It made him feel crazy inside, and he had to constantly fight the urge to jump up. Rose hated it when he jumped. She never once said it, but he could tell by her slightly creased forehead. And Ivan, was always eager to please Rose.

--------------i really don't know where this story is going.

i hear crickets

once again, i'm wide awake at 3.38am. trying to shut my eyes and praying that some sort of peace descends on me, so i can finally just SLEEP. it doesn't seem to come.

maybe what's keeping me up is this nagging feelings that i have some unfinished business..

could it be that anger is keeping me up again?

or, maybe it's the whole uncertain future, unformed plans, inability of me to come up with a single goal i want to work towards..

could it be.. could it be.. could it be..

i want to sleep. i so desperately want to close my eyes, think of nothing, and drift into a dreamless sleep, and wake up refreshed and with a purpose.

but goddamnit. i don't have a purpose!!

i'm scared of what monday will bring. i'm hoping for the best. and i really don't want to prepare for the worst. because the worst, is frankly, unacceptable. unimaginable. and it scares the living daylights out of me.

oh please. give me a miracle!

today while blasting the music and listening to my dad's long winded warnings about taking the wrong turning after picking up my ic, I GOT LOST. i managed to get from jalan sultan ismail to cheras instead of the curve. omg.

the one and only time i went to cheras was the beginning of this year.

cheras is too full of toyota camrys for my taste.

i officially think im stupid.