where are you christmas

"where are you christmas, why can't i find you.. why have you gone away. where is the laughter you used to bring me..why can't i hear music play?

my world is changing, i'm rearranging, does that mean christmas changes too?"

i just realized.

i may actually need therapy.

sometimes you just got to let things out

what is up with me being back in my old room and overthinking things?

the thoughts in my head are driving me crazy. wait, the unanswered questions that are running through my head are driving me mad.

so many questions. and so little answers. where do i even begin looking for the answers to the million and one questions.

anyone out there who knows how to answer the hard questions, the ones that you leave unanswered, the problems that you never seem to be able to figure out how to solve, the issues revolving around people you love...

give me a call.

a silent plea into the night

would you please, for once,

let.

me.

explain.

myself.

could you please, just this one time,

not judge me before i tell you how i feel.

would you please, this time,

not assume you know how i feel.

could you please, this once,

not listen to hearsay.

please. all i want

is for you to give me a chance.

i said please.

like a tiny bird pushed out of its nest to learn to fly

beautiful disaster-jon mclaughlin

the day has come. the day of where i grow the hell up, don work clothes and march into an office.

oh geez i am unprepared. i dont wanna say goodbye to my childhood yet. i dont even think i am mature enough and equipped to cope with a work environment!

actually this isnt such a big deal, but it just hit me that this is the first step to a career in accounting and finance.

and reality smacked me in the face. this is me growing up. whether i like it or not.

well. all we can do is hope and pray for the best :)

cheers!

C'est la vie

writing in my alcohol induced phase. pardon me for the errors in

-grammar

-spelling

-nonsensical facts

-too much information

damn baby, you frustrate me.i know you're mine all mine, all mine. you look so good it hurts sometimes.

so how do i summarize the melbourne experience of 2009?

well i guess i should do a cliche and start from the beginning.

• it would have been a fariy tale. you would have been right there to support me when the shit hit the fan. but alas.

parted ways with a bestfriend. citing in-conciliable differences. sometimes i wonder what would have happened if we had made up just after the silent war. and. the million dollar question-whether it would have been worth it? i guess its all up to debate.

maybe i should have taken one for the team?

• 'when you want it the most, theres no easy way out; when youre ready to go and your heart's left in doubt'

took it and stomped all over it way too soon. never gave myself time to adjust. never gave myself the luxury of meeting a new person.

hmm i grow tired of listing all the things that could have been.

all in all. it was a very educational year. it would serve me in the future to learn from my experiences in 2009. god knows i need to.

i have high hopes for my 2010. when it comes closer to nye i will list it down and hope that when it comes to 31/12/2010 i would have achieved all the goals. oh what fond memories of my childhood where i had yearly, monthly and daily goals to fulfill. goals that i had to list before the dawn of the new year and to post it up on my wall and at the eve of the new year, tick off (with the help of authoritative figures) the oes ive accomplished and to explain the failed goals. maybe this time i'll do it because i want to. and really make an effort to sticking to them. im actually beginning to comppile a list. what an ocd freak i am.

anyway, see u guys back up in malaysia, home sweet home.

can we ever go home?

bon jovi-who says you cant go home

alas.how complicated the life of a nineteensomething year old

veritas vos liberabit

yummy stone grill for dinner.exciting turn of events at the tables.nauseous vegetable dish.crazy drinking spree.bruises all over.aches and sores.spinning head.dreamless sleep.mindnumbing boredom.satisfying shopping spree.delicious dinner ala anya.isolation.heart to heart with huayu.

but as a 19 year old. IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU!?

my 100th entry

eating yesterday's cupcakes and trying to psych myself up to start studying law..

listening to Lady Gaga-Bad Romance

my fault for being such a twisted idiot. my fault for being stupid. oh when will i ever learn!!!!

procrastination is a SIN

feels kinda sad that im squandering my 100th post on this nonsensical post. well. my 101th post will be just phenomenal. hopefully it'll make all my previous posts redundant.

hmm.. the anticipation. and the pressure! oh wish me luck!

i want your love

i want your revenge

i want your love

i don't want to be friends

caught in a bad romance

i want your love

and i want your revenge

you and me could write a bad romance

i want your ugly

i want your disease

i want your everything as long as its free

i want your love

love love love i want your love

i want your leather studded kiss in the sand

you know that i want you

you know that i need you

i want your psycho

your vertigo stick

freedom or company?

have you ever gone shopping.. and u found the best two things in the world which you want so badly, but only had enough money for just one?

and just so you wouldnt go crazy and help you decide u flipped a coin to help u with that 'monumental' decision? and when the coin fell, you realized that no, i want the other.

so u grab it and go to the cashier. only to think, on the way, that you want the other.. and 'fate had given u a sign'.

you go back and try to get the other one.

all the back and forth between the two.. the hassle and the stress from trying to pick. just made you want to kill yourself.

so you give up and leave the shop?

have you done that?

it's hilarious i tell you. in a twisted way.all that time and energy wasted.

somewhere from my 2008

If you wait for me, I'll be the light in the dark if you lose your way.

If you wait for me, I'll be your voice when you don't know what to say.

I'll be your shelter, I'll be your fate.

I'll be there forever, wait for me.

dysfunctional

how do you miss someone who's right there?

simple. they change.

so how do u deal with it? you try harder and harder. you go along with their personality change. you try to look past it. hoping that you'll catch a glimpse of the person they used to be. until u are about to give up, they suddenly revert back to that friend you want. you're so happy you can scream at the top of your lungs.

but before you can celebrate, they mutate back into that scary person you don't want.

can you do anything about it? you tell me.

that time of the year again-choices to make.

if someone asked you, "do you want chocolate or vegetables?"

you'd say chocolate in a heart beat, without the slightest hesitation.

but if you actually sat down to think about it, you'd be better off choosing vegetables.

it's human nature. we always want the better tasting food. we want that little piece of candy that melts in our mouth, which gives us the sudden burst of happiness.. the mere thought of that chocolate slowly melting in your mouth, how you can taste the creaminess.. better yet, if there's nuts inside. when u bite into the soft center, sometimes your teeth hits the nut.. sometimes it doesn't. it's always a surprise. chocolate gives u satisfaction. 10 times out of 10. you'll never get disappointed. and you can never stop at one chocolate. after that orgasmic experience. you start looking around for more chocolate. and that experience lingers in your mind.. and you learn to associate chocolate with joy and the shedding of worries.

but if you keep up with this diet, you get obese. diabetes. heart disease. sooner or later, that sweet little treat will kill you. your inexhaustible greed for chocolates will be the downfall of you.

vegetables on the other hand. those fibrery little stalks of leaves. look unappealing. hell they look like grass. who eats grass besides animals. god no! i refuse to be an animal. i need my meat. or better yet. chocolate.

so you push vegetables aside..

you turn your back on all the benefits of vegetables. how it lowers cholesterol. builds immunity towards disease. how it can prevent the onset of some many illnesses. how it helps your digestive system. you discard the thousands of benefits of eating vegetables because sometimes they taste disgusting. oh you say 'they taste so bland!' or 'urgh.. it's so gross, i hate the texture' .. so many excuses. that will ultimately sabotage your health.

so i guess the choice is.. do you choose momentary happiness and a short life, good health and no joy or do you try to do the smart thing and have a bit of both?

to no one in particular

Remember when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood, we'd never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don't want to be
Alone tonight

What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't want to be,
Alone tonight

What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know, oh yeah

I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life

What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do, to make you mine
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I fall, in love, with you

_________________________________________________________________________________

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving all he makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
Never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly
It won't fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

But we have not hit the ground
Doesn't mean we're not still falling, oh..
I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

do you feel like a man, when you push her around? do you feel better now; she falls to the ground.

empathy |ˈempəθē|

nounthe ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

keep a stiff upper lip wen.

1. people spend an average of 2 years on the phone. i think i've exceeded that, or am close to passing that limit..
2. the average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. (as i'm typing i realize my left hand actually does type more than my right!)
3. mageiricophobia? -a fear of having to cook. :)
4. you don't get sick from cold weather, it's the staying in that makes you sick. interesting. never knew that!
5. why are flamingos pink? they eat shrimp!
6. women dream more than men on average. so much for martin luther king jr 'having a dream'. i bet a lady had it first! ;)

i like the way your eyes dance when you laugh

mirror mirror on the wall

who is the most twisted of them all.

you were the person that knew the things i whispered in the dark.

the one that i bared my most ugly thoughts to.

the person that i shared the blackest things with.

my person.

yet.

somehow, you took everything.

and gave back nothing..

except spite

anger

hatred.

i guess

you were never the person you showed.

when i looked

you seem perfect.

the perfect friend.

someone i could finally share everything with.

oh well. the one one who trusts

is always the fool in the story.

Something ugly this way comes,
From my fingers, sliding inside
All these blessings
All these words
God lives underneath your covers
Search for pleasure,
Search for pain
In this world, now I am undying

random snippit

a super boring accounting lecture..

greg the lecturer: i want to draw your attention to the lms where i've uploaded some sample questions..*click click on the computer and lms shown on the screen*

richy: wen do u now wat lms stands for?

wen: wat?

richy: lick my stick.

did you know?

a 'bap' is a burger bun in england.

bees have to visit 4 million flowers to collect nectar to make 1kg of honey.

120 drops of water make a teaspoon.

the biggest cat is the male lion.

the British currency crisis in 1990s was brought on by the collapse of the EMS. in this time, George Soros made $1 billion in the currency trade of the day.

$1 fucking billion in a day.

videos to watch!

behind the scenes of it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBC7pilGoPc

mixing things up!

today i went to pee in the middle of my revision. and my bathroom floor was wet. so i sat on the side of the toilet bowl instead of the usual middle. and it felt weird. my bum felt funky!! try it!

i tried looking for someone sitting on the side of the bowl, but to no avail, but here's an interesting picture of a toilet bowl!

who i am

1. i like sunny days. whenever the sun comes out i have this urge to just drop everything and go out in the sun. my mood instantly brightens up whenever the sun comes out. i can't go without sun for extended periods of time.. i get sad, moody and restless.
2. i'm a sucker for boy bands and all the corny songs. i'm not afraid to admit it. i have hundreds of songs from boy bands and all the pop singers.
3. i love flowers. they are so pretty. maybe it's cuz i grew up with flowers in my house, my mum loves them and i guess its hereditary. or maybe its cuz i've always been in a home with flowers. nature vs nurture maybe?
4. i drink lots of water, and have a tiny tiny bladder. i visit the toilet so many times, to the point that i think peeing is a chore.
5. i'm a hopeless romantic. always looking for my happy ending. i love candles..tiny surprises..corny cards.
6. i love birthdays. whether mine or friends or family. they just mark significant milestones. to me, birthdays are magical. without them we wouldn't be here. without them, how can we show how much we know the person. presents. i love hunting for the perfect present. sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't. but god knows i try.
7. i have no idea what i wanna do with the rest of my life. it keeps me up at night.
8. i've the attention span of a fly. things distract me a lot. most of the time i can push through it, sometimes it's hard.
9. i wonder about death. which is the reason i can't sleep most of the time.
10. i love rings. they're the least hassle to wear. earrings, on the other hand, get in the way. i have tons of them which i have yet to wear.
11. i love hot showers or baths. anything that leaves me all warm and steamy. :)
12. i paint my nails when im sad. just to calm myself down.
13. i miss my doggie so much i wanna hug her and get my arms all scratched up by her freakishly long and sharp nails that she refuses to let me cut.
14. my grandpapa is my hero. also my dad.
15. sometimes i wish i was a concert pianist.
16. sometimes i wish my mum pushed me harder to continue ballet.
17. i love apple juice.
18. i get obsessed about my weight sometimes, but good food always gets in the way.
19. cupcakes always make me happy. they're so adorable looking in their little cups. all cute and frosty. begging to be eaten.
20. the smell of coffee always stirs up something inside. hmm, once again my mum's influence. i used to sit on her lap and smell her coffee cuz i was 'too young to drink coffee, it'd stunt ur height and brain wen!'
21. i love being patted on the head. not by random people, and not like a dog. but there's a special way. :)
22. apple pie. bread and butter pudding. butterscotch muffins.
23. spaghetti bolognese with chucks of onions and celery.
24. chicken rice, of course with breast meat.
25. nachos.
26. prawn crackers.
27. tim tams.
28. kisses on the forehead are the way to go.
29. i buy heels i never wear.
30. i have way too many black pumps.
31. i'm too lazy to floss. and i keep buying floss. hoping that one day i'll have the urge to do it.
32. i collect bruises and cuts like a magnet attracts paper clips.
33. i dont like cats. they always seem so spiteful and lazy.
34. i arrange my candy when im bored.
35. i enjoy msging very very much.
36. i dont go online much, i find it too tedious.
37. i hate people who try too hard.
38. i appreciate all the little little things people do.
39. my perfect day would be to just laze in bed.. sleep and watch a good show, fall asleep and wake up to the smell of breakfast.
40. i have an over vivid (and often inappropriate) imagination that borders on disturbing.
41. i am quite sarcastic.
42. i love organizing things into little boxes, including my thoughts.
43. i clean up my place after every exam.
44. i can't imagine making a little person in ur body and pushing it out, and having the huge responsibility of being its provider and shaper of its (their) character and future.
45. i want to be disgustingly rich.
46. i love truffles. they make me happy. not the chocolate.
47. i hate sitting with my legs crossed like a well brought up young lady.
48. i love burping.
49. i eat spaghetti weirdly.
50. i get headaches often.
51. i get gastric almost every other day.
52. i need lots of sleep or i'll get sick. the best way for me to recover from any sickness, ulcers and pimples, is sleep. :D
53. i pray before i sleep sometimes.
54. i laugh so hard sometimes i cry and pee myself (a little bit and very rarely).
55. i love garlic and onion, even though it gives me bad breath.
56. i can eat pickles like its chips.
57. i scrub my toilet tiles with a toothbrush when i shower.
58. i have zero patience for things unrelated to studies. what a nerd.
59. im sick of studying. but i cant stop till i graduate.
60. i love drawing hearts when im bored.
61. i miss wearing skirts. melbourne is just TOO WINDY!
62. i love oysters.
63. sometimes i want to run away, but i always get hung up on the details. not run away in the juvenile sense. but just go on an adventure.
64. i can be anti social sometimes.
65. i love having brown eyes.
66. i like hard beds.
67. i love care bears.
68. i want to go to switzerland and egypt.
69. i like nuts.
70. i snore when i sleep.
71. i'm a very light sleeper, unless of course i'm dog tired.
72. i still watch playhouse disney.
73. i get grouchy when im forced to stay up.
74. i get hyper on coke. the soda.
75. i love pineapples on my pizza.
76. i love porridge. its my comfort food.
77. i love being pampered.
78. i always chip my nail polish cleaning things.
79. cleaning and arranging things calm me down and lets me organize my thoughts.
80. i usually choose white over black.
81. ice cream makes me wince sometimes cuz i have sensitive teeth.
82. i keep the randomest things as tokens. i have serviettes, hotel room cards, ticket butts for the most retarded and normal things.
83. i don't tear the wrapping paper when i unwrap gifts.
84. i love wrapping presents as well.
85. i can't stay inside for too long, my brain gets crazy.
86. i constantly feel i dont have enough time and get paranoid i'll fail in life.
87. i hate having short nails.
88. i love cuddling up with my girlfriends.
89. i'm the least malaysian of my friends.
90. i can't eat spicy food.
91. i'm allergic to shellfish, except oysters.
92. i love strawberries, especially when they're so juicy and sweeet. and soft. i love them the day before they turn bad.
93. cherries, apples, mango, watermelon (although its been forever since i've eaten it).
94. i like everything about berries.
95. my mummy makes the nicest scones. and i love them.
96. i stay up waiting for my parents to come home to say gnite to them, and subsequently get scolded for being 'awake so late!!'
97. i love fussing over small minute details sometimes.
98. i get crazy when people make me wait. i am mostly (97%) on time.
99. my brain never stops obsessing over random things.
100. i am ticklish. very ticklish. it's not funny. people use it against me.

keep bleeding..keep keep bleeding..

trying hard not to hear, but they talk so loud..their piercing sounds fill my ears

try to fill me with doubt, yet i know that the goal, is to keep me from falling..

I'm fallling apart, i'm barely breathing, with a broken heart, that's still beating...

...in the pain, there is healing...

in your name... i find meaning.

So i'm holding on..i'm barely holding on to you.

a bend in the road

so i've come to realize my past few entries have been dark and morbid. so i've decided to have a happy and cheerful (and hopefully inspirational) post today! :) maybe its the sun going to my head (the weather in melbourne has been devastatingly beautiful as of late, its such a pity that i have to stay in and study) or maybe i'm just high on a home cooked meal thanks to my roomie, but i feel like just rambling about nonsensical things.

here's a random list of stuff that's been floating in my mind for a while:

• summer holidays!! (WHAT TO DO!) me wants to go to uluru (alice springs), NZ FOR SOME EXTREME SPORTS, learn to surf, go to wineries, great ocean road...and laze in the sun!
• i want a puppy. i miss my little doggy at home :( she's so cute and hyperactive! sometimes she scares me! she can jump so high she can almost claw my eyeball out!
• studies studies studies
• hmm strawberries.. in chocolate. ooohh..so good. want more.need more.
• can i still fit into my ball dress from 2 years ago? incidentally, ITS BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE I FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL. TIME FLIES!! (regardless whether you're having fun or not!)
• following that train of thought..i'll be a 2nd uni student next year. oh god i still feel like a little kid, and ill prepared to be 18, let alone 20!!
• i dont want my internet to be capped :( :( :(
• life seems to be getting better, but sometimes it plummets to the bottom.
• argh.. retail therapy seems to be leading to an addiction!!
• i miss defqon!
• sometimes guilt tripping people is just plain underhanded. and it doesn't make them like you more. it just makes them do it. OOHH random thought! this is sort of how the courts will not order specific performance of an act that involves personal acts that depends on goodwill. because it will not be carried out to the best of the other person's ability due to the fact that they are not willing to do it in the first place!
• crap. gotta start studying law. stupid subject is so twisty!
• i want cendol.
• what is sharlene/clarissa/yin/sarah doing now?
• i miss mama and papa. lol. dont worry my dear readers, i do not call them that. i call them normal names like bitch and asshole. oh i kid! i call them mummy and daddy!
• im thirsty. i feel like a sex on the beach now.the cocktail i mean.not the act.
• 'i love you baby! and if it's quite alright, i need you baby...'
• snore snore
• i need a massage and a spa day, eh? my soft supple body is getting overstressed. sniff.
• 'cant take my eyes off of you..'
• you're just to be true..

now, that seems like a more interesting post! :D

i guess what i'm saying is, i miss my best friend

"...as we go on, we remember, all the times we've had together.. as and our lives change from whatever, we will still be, friends forever..."

everyone i know seems to have been scattered across different time zones, and all of a sudden i feel out of touch with everyone..even more so than last year. when there was still a vast majority of my high school friends back home, i always felt that they'd never leave and out of a sudden, everyone is gone. and there is no longer any reason to go back home, of course family being excepted from this situation.

i've always felt that no matter what, i can always go back and touch base with the people i grew up with. that somehow just by going back we would be as close as before. that the time we spent apart would be negligible. although they've moved on to new stories, made new memories, changed, you somehow still know the person they were before the world beat them down.. that just by going back home, u can become the person u are deep down, that the mistakes you've made away from them can be erased, and failing that, there will be no judgement.

the problem with moving on in this world is that-somehow you leave people you need behind, and because of that essential piece in your life, you find that you bury pieces of yourself deep deep inside, hoping that you'll find a person 'just like him', 'exactly like her' somewhere down the road and you can offload everything on her. the problem is-everyone is special. there can be no double of ANYONE. the reason you trust, feel comfortable and fart with them is because you've known them for so long..been there through their shitty moments, held their hand when they cried, leaned on them when u needed someone. and a new person no matter how perfect, will just never do.

we just dont hang out as much. we don't talk for hours on end on the phone anymore about everything from the blueness of blue to the complicated answers of maths. we don't go out just for a meal. we don'tknow every single mundane detail about each other's lives. we dont have inside jokes anymore. we just exchange the occasional msg here and there. sometimes we even forget that the other exists. we don't immediately think about each other when something stupid happens.

i don't share things with you anymore. i feel anger towards u for being so out of reach.i want to talk. but the awkwardness is building. we know next to nothing about each other's lives. i don't pick up the phone and dial your number when i want to talk. i think i dont need you, that i have new friends, i can call them. but i dont, instead i keep it all in..until i reach the breaking point, shed a tear, suck it up and go on. i don't know what u did last night, i dont know what u've been eating, i dont know whether your skin is dry..

all i know is that, i miss you.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
Both not together

Wake up in the morning,
Stumble on my life,
Can't get no love without sacrifice,
If anything should happen,
I guess I wish you well,
Mmm a little bit of heaven,
But a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story,
that I have ever told,
No hope, or love, or glory,
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasting,
And I waste every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
Both not together

Too black in the morning,
Someone's on my mind,
Can't get no rest,
Keep walking around,
If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong,

I can get to my sleep I can dream now and just carry on??



This is the hardest story,
that I have ever told,
No hope, or love, or glory,
Happy endings gone forever more,
I feel as if I'm wasting,
And I waste every day,

Oh I feel as if I'm wasting,
And I waste every day


This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
Both not together

A little bit of love

Little bit of love (repeated)


This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
Both not together
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
Both not together

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
Both not together

they call it an addiction

one after the other, a continuous string..i never seem to be able to stop. i try my best, but somehow i've been programmed to continue this self destructive circle. take one, enjoy it for a while.. then start looking over my shoulder looking for a better 'version' of it, thinking of ways to get rid of the old..thinking that the next one will be different, that somehow things will be better with the new one..but guess what, it never is. things turn out to be the same..like a badly rehearsed play with low grade actors.

you try to change. it works for a while, you manage to savour the moment, to treasure that experience but that gnawing feeling in your stomach just keeps building..telling you that you can do better, that its not a perfect fit, that if you found the one, things would be all peachy all the time.

maybe its all the novels and movies that have brainwashed me into expecting that perfectly happy ending. how somehow everything will fall into place with the next one that keeps me going. keeps me going..

drowning me in an abyss of doubt and regret. slowly sapping my confidence that one day i will be mature and good enough for it and determination in finding that perfect thing.

maybe its the anticipation of finding it that feeds this godforsaken addiction of mine. or maybe its greed, or it could be just the plain old weak mindedness that makes me unable to just stop for a moment... and enjoy the ride.

it never was supposed to be an addiction. i was never supposed to be like this. but i guess we all have our vices. and this addiction could very well be my achilles heel. the one that eventually kills me.

why the hell can't i kick this disgusting habit? because i lack determination. i lack the ability to open up and enjoy the ride. i do not have the guts to do it. cause if i do.. i may just die.

late night thoughts

"last christmas i gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away, this year to save me from tears i gave it to someone special.."

its been a while since ive last blogged. its always the case where i have so many thoughts that i cant even put them in words. how articulate of me.

the subject is-true love

where the hell do we begin finding it? and will everyone get that chance or is it just for a select few? what then for all the married couples in the world? have they found true love or is it just a shadow of what could be?

sometimes i think marriage is overrated, but sometimes it keeps me awake..will i ever have the opportunity to find that someone that i would pledge my life to? a person that i will love seeing every minute of every day, someone to share the all my hopes and dreams with? will i be able to give and receive all that i can offer?

everyone starts off thinking that they can, but more often than not they find that they cant, or they fall out of love. people say love is more of a compromise than anything, that by surrendering wholeheartedly to someone a little part of themselves get chipped away and they become more like another person. how does that work? its such a gradual process that you never realize that its happening until you've already gone down that path.

i guess love is just a contract where you give as much as you receive.

oh hell what the hell am i talking about? and who am i to talk about love? i am just a girl of 19 summers and with no experience in the kind of love that endures forever.

sometimes i regret what ive done in life, sometimes i look back and go OH FUCK. but whats done is done and the only path you have is the one right in front of you. you forget the landmarks you've passed and look forward to the next ones, hoping that the next landmark you see will be worth that extra journey...that somehow, things will be different.

to do that, courage. you can never have enough of it. a wise man once said 'courage is not the absence of fear, its action in spite of fear' i should take a leaf out of his book. chin up wen! all life is is a journey, they are potholes, bumps, ups and downs.. and the only way to get over them, is to go through them. if you stop, you get stuck in muddy water and it gets harder to lift your leg up and shake the crap stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

and if as i continue my journey, i find that one special person, i hope that i will have the strength of mind to hold on to him and never let him go.

god knows ive cut out enough people in my life. sure i had my reasons, but no matter who and why, they did have some standing in my heart, they contributed to the person i've become. and for that, i don't know whether to thank them or strangle them.

happiness is not a point in your life, its the journey from start to finish. everyone runs around thinking that an extra dollar, a facelift, a new bag will give them happiness, but that is never the case. you adapt. a little 'happiness' will give you some satisfaction for a while, but as time goes on, you go back to that same level and look for new 'happiness' to fill that ever hungry void.. until one day you wake up from your materialistic life and go, oh no, happiness was always within my grasp. a little more time spent with a friend, a little risk you take opening up and letting love in, sacrificing something to spend more time with your family, putting aside grudges and just being a friend... this can never be measured in bags,riches or beauty..after all, they are all fleeting.

ah.. i have a dream..

in 10 years, i will be...

i will be everything i have the potential to be.

listen to Happy By Natasha Beddingfield

How incredible. Makes me want to get an engineering degree and work there!

Fortune Magazine recently named Google the #1 company to work for, a ranking based largely on Google's well-publicized employee perks: free meals in its gourmet cafeteria; on-site doctors, dry cleaners, and gym facilities; and even a policy that allows employees to bring their pets to work. But the benefits of "Googlers" don't end there. The following list of lesser-heralded employee perks should provide an idea of just how far Google goes to keep the human pistons of its search engine pumping contentedly. 1. Google provides free custom detailing on all employee-owned Segways, motorized scooters, recumbent bicycles, and other widely-derided modes of transportation. 2. For recent computer science grads accepting an engineering position with Google, a popular social event is Google's "New Employee Orientation and Arranged Virginity-Loss Night."   3. Google employees who are about to become mothers receive 12 weeks of maternity leave; aging female engineers now coming to terms with the fact they will likely never be mothers receive two weeks of "Crushing Sense of Incompleteness Leave." (It is 50% paid.) 4. Googlers enjoy an Employee Referral Program â€" meaning, they receive a cash bonus if they refer management to any employee even thinking about leaving Google. 5. For all Google employees who've just committed a crime of passion, Google provides a two-bedroom safehouse just outside the city where said employee can lay low until "the heat" dies down. 6. Google affords all employees a $1500 monthly stipend for mandatory lava lamp purchases. 7. Google employees can commute to work via free company shuttle; it is piloted by retired colonel Buzz Aldrin.  8. To encourage collaboration, the hallways at Google are lined with whiteboards where employees can jot down ideas. To encourage active collaboration, these whiteboards are dusted with cocaine.   9. Google engineers make use of free on-site hair salons, specializing in both men's and women's unsavory bowl cuts. 10. To help relieve the stress of being tied to their computers for such long hours, Google provides employees with free online-based massage therapy. 11. Each new grain of sand in Google's beach volleyball pit is imported via extraction from the bikini ofRachel Wacholder. 12. Google offers a unique "literal 401k" retirement plan; for every dollar an employee invests, Googlematches it with $401,000.   13. Following its acquisition of YouTube, Google began arranging employee tours of YouTube headquarters where in a windowless room they can rub awkwardly against lonelygirl15. 14. Googlers can enjoy fruit smoothies via osmosis in one of several on-campus Jamba Baths. 15. New Google employees each receive a keepsake Google hacky-sack filled with pulverized sapphires. 16. At Google's summer picnic the employees don't play softball or soccer â€" they hunt homeless men for sport. 17. Google's college intern recruitment video was written by J.D. Salinger and directed by Sidney Lumet. 18. At Halloween, Google sponsors a costume contest for engineers who dress up as their favorite line of code. 19. Google employees receive personal mentoring sessions with co-founder Sergey Brin, or at least one of the eight Brin replicants built in late 2005. 20. Employees are given beta test runs of exciting new Google software, such as the satellite imaging program Google Maps-of-Gisele's Bedroom and the adult singles-finding service Gspots.   21. The barista at Google's on-campus café is Juan Valdez. (Not the coffee brand icon — just a Latin dude named Juan who happens to make a really great latte.) 22. Google offers training and assistance to all employees planning to journey behind enemy lines in an attempt to rescue their POW fathers.   23. Google arranged that their regular opponent in corporate league basketball is always the team from Washington Generals, Inc. (To date, Google is a combined 238-0.) 24. Google engineers are given "20 percent time" in which they are free to pursue their own personal projects. This incentive has produced such efforts as Gmail, Google News, and 20% more employeemasturbation. 25. Google provides free financial planning classes to all its employees. The session consists of just one tip: "Remember â€" Google. Fucking. OWNS You."